Reveiwing Hellsing, May and Jay Style
by catsvrsdogscatswin
Summary: Well, here we are with a surprise story! This is something we've been germinating for a while, but I never had a chance to leak to the 'net. This is actually, for just the tiniest little bit, going to be a serious story. SHOCK! A few random bits of hard fact and interesting concepts shall be thrown in, but basically it's just us trying to get a good laugh out of all you, as usual.
1. The PLOT

_**Just something we thought up when we were bored….I know May sounds older, but that's because I was writing the words and didn't have to give her names, places, or spellings, I could just write it out. She sometimes gets everybody so mixed up…**_

_***You shall also be warned, this has much stronger language that our previous fanfics, although May's ears are covered at all appropriate times.**_

Mack: Hello many faithful reviews and readers of my masters May and Jay! *waves* Today my creators are going to review the anime Hellsing and its characters!

*crowd cheers wildly*

*May and Jay walk out and sit in comfy chairs*

Jay: So…hi there.

May: Ooooh…shiny lights…*glossy eyed*

Mack: Right then. First thing- *holds up flashcard*

"_**PLOT and REVEIW"**_

Jay: All the time.

May: I help!

Mack: No, the plot of Hellsing.

May and Jay in unison: Ohhh…

*Jay leans back and takes comfortable pose, as if preparing to talk awhile*

Jay: Well, Hellsing is pretty dang good. We're introduced to this world of government conspiracy, where a chain-smoking (it has to be said) lady knight has a *plugs May's ears* bad-ass vampire that kills his own kind. *unplugs her ears*Now, there are many Animes out there that have a good plot, but not a good end. Hellsing is not unaffected. At the very end, when Integra has aged to be a 50-year old woman, Alucard reappears and they and Seras share a moment of "welcome back", completely discounting the fact that once Integra dies (as no heirs are mentioned in manga, OVA, and probably not the anime either) Alucard is free to wreak his nutjob havoc upon the world with absolutely nobody holding him back. As mentioned several times, the seals are bound to the _Hellsing_ bloodline, one that after Integra will kick the bucket has completely died out. Thus, Alucard will be free to do whatever he so pleases. Those in the audience with any amount of exposure to his idea of fun, please take a moment to start writing your wills.

May: But can't somebody do the magic thing on him again?

Jay: Well, possibly. Personally, I don't think so, as they say, once bitten, twice shy, even Alucard will listen to reason (very rarely) and stay away from anyone with that sort of ability. Plus, Section 13 and pretty much every other agonistic force out there has been decimated, theoretically it may be possible that there is no one left alive who knows how or has the mental, physical, and possibly magical (since the ritual was never outlined) strength to do so.

May: She could lock him in the basement again.

Jay: She's not stupid, she knows eventually he'd get out and be pissed as Hell, not to mention bored out of whatever tattered shreds of sanity he still has left. Sure, she could bind him there, but again, there's the risk something or someone about a hundred years later will accidentally free him, and the same problem arises. But anyway, this is not to complain about the theoretical ending and continuation of the plot, we're talking about what went on!

May: I thought we were complaining about it.

Jay: Uh…there's going to be some of that too I guess. May, take the stage.

May: Gotcha!

May: Well, the Hellsing OVA/Ultimate is about Alucard, who listens to Sir Integra and goes and kills vampires. The vampires he kills are fakey cheap ones, and he is very disgusted by them. When he was out on a mission there was this vampire and…um…

Jay: I'll take over. Folks, I obviously skipped that part when showing May the OVA, because she is only eight. Can't show that kind of material around her. Vampire catches her, threatens her, and then Alucard-

May: Right! Thanks big sis. Anyway, so Alucard shows up and then blasts all the zombies-

Jay: Ghouls.

May: Whatever. He blasts all the _ghouls_ *glares at Jay*and asks if the Police Girl is a virgin. She mumbles and the vampire shouts at him, and then he shoots her through the chest and him through the heart and then-

Jay: I like it too, but too much detail. Should I pick up?

May: Sure. But I get to tell them about some of the others.

Jay: Yup. Anyway, so Alucard turns Seras (Police Girl) and she starts working for Hellsing. She is sent on her first mission, and then we encounter the Vatican and Judas Iscariot. Hoo-boy, this is where May and I get into some disagreements.

May: He is not!

Jay: Don't start that again, I have had it by reader review and picture evidence that ANDERSON IS FREAKING TALLER THAN ALUCARD!

May: Lies! All lies!

Jay: Anyway, we encounter Alexander Anderson for the first time. We'll save our opinions of him for his chapter in this fanfic, but he and Alucard strike up an immediate rivalry. Plus they (Anderson) both just hate each other's guts. Alucard is indulgently amused and bored enough that he likes the idea of the paladin being the one to defeat him. (Also an explanation saved for _his_ chapter) Then the fact that Alucard is like a freaking vampire cockroach (you kill him but he won't stay dead) is revealed, as well as a mysterious and shadowy group pulling the strings to the host of FREAK vampires attacking the country. Next, we see their long reach as a group of ghouls and two chipped vampires attack the mansion, killing all the men except the Round Table gang, Integra, Seras, Walter, and Alucard. Nobody kills Alucard!

May: Mom said a unicorn could.

Jay: O.o …No comment. Anyway, they hire a group of mercenaries called the Wild Geese (and you don't need me to tell you who they are beyond that) and promptly send Alucard, Seras, and Pip off to South America (Brazil) to find out more. Upon arriving, they are attacked, and Alucard does his thing and kills everything in the building before being challenged by a Millennium vampire. They do battle, Alucard *plugs May's ears again* kicks his ass, *unplugs* and they all go back to a meeting just in time to hear the Major declare war via tiny TV. They're called in because Rip van Winkle stole the navy ship, and Alucard is sent to dispatch her, which he does. He is then stuck on a ship for most of the rest of the next couple episodes, and the Battle for London commences. Everybody and their aunt pitches in, and most of them (all) die at some point or another. Now, for the actual review instead of summary.

May: You missed the last bit with the Major and everything.

Jay: Of course I did, don't want to spoil the _very_ ending do we? Anyway, this anime has a lot of gory, bloody action, interesting characters, and a lot of factions. My rating (and May's) is a whopping 9.0 out of 10. Why only a 9 you ask? Well, because of the violence. Nearly every scene and certainly every episode has a death or a fountain of blood and ick. Now from a personal POV, this doesn't matter. But for many, so much blood and death is an extreme put-off, and they do not get to see how truly awesome this anime is. I myself have been forbidden by our parents to show May _any_ more Hellsing clips until she is very much older. She is very unhappy about this.

May: Yeah! I WANT TO WATCH HELLSING!

Jay: Anyway, another thing that many people have been wary about is Nazi involvement. Millennium, to be specific. Sure, the symbol shows up in a lot of places, but very rarely do they actually call themselves Nazis, usually saying "Last Battalion" or "Millennium". In fact, from a certain angle, if you squint your eyes and plug half of your right ear, they do not consider themselves true Nazis, more inclined toward the whole "Waffin SS" approach. Anyway, they are not true "Nazis" in my book, because although they belonged to the group known as the Nazi party, they did not discriminate via religion (Jewish and Jews) and were merely world-hating sociopaths. This is infinitely more fair that being Jew-hating sociopaths, because they did not care who they were killing, where as the true Nazis killed Jews and other such people because of their fanatical belief in the Nazi regime. Millennium just liked killing, and they hate everyone equally.

May: Hellsing, remember?

Jay: Right, sorry, distracted there. Anyway, Nazis, kinda turns people off, okay done there. But Kohta Hirano did not even mention Jewish hatred in the Nazi party, focusing instead on Millennium's leader, the Major. (And Doc too I suppose) Now we get into the good stuff, namely why this anime is the best thing since sliced bread.

May: And Soul Eater.

Jay: And Soul Eater. That goes without saying. But Hellsing. Is. Freaking. Awesome! First, we shall start off with the characters and factions. We get this nine-foot tall vampire voiced by Crispin Freeman who is both legally and obviously INSANE, coupled with his (and forgive me for this blondes, but it has to be said) dumb blonde fledgling who is actually more intelligent than she seems, lead by their scary-principal-of-doom-person-who-will-kick-your- ass- *plugs Mays ears again*-and -eat-your-guts-for-breakfast-scary-army-sergeant-m aster Integra, and Walter, who is the typical Ye Olde Butler, monocle, black hair and suit, shiny wire filaments of doom that he wields with his gloves and slices through anything, just a normal, average butler. And those are only the _first_ Hellsing characters. There's Pip and the Geese too!

May: Frenchie braid-guy!

Jay: Yes, the Frenchie braid-guy and his merry men! They are tough, potty-mouthed (on occasion), and very good at shooting things. These assorted freaks make up the Royal Order of Protestant Knights, _Hellsing_. Obviously, this is usually where the action's at. But it doesn't stop there! Hellsing's rivals, Vatican Section 13, The Iscariot Agency, are also a prominent part of this anime. It is led by one Enrico Maxwell, who is a snotty, fanatical, pansy. Sorry, but he is. Way more cool is Alexander Anderson, the Paladin, Father Anderson, Judas Priest, the Regenerator, St. Guillotine, *stops reciting from memory and looks it up* Executioner Anderson, Bayonet Anderson, Off with Its Head Anderson, Dust to Dust Anderson, the Angel's Dust, the Bayonet Priest. This guy has a lot of nicknames, but he deserves them! *plugs May's ears* Close behind Alucard in badass-ery, this guy rocks! *unplugs May's ears*Also in this organization is Heinkel Wolfe and Yumie/Yumiko how-ever-you-spell-her-last-name.

May: I like him!

Jay: Who?

May: You know, "I wanna shoot her!"

Jay: That's a girl. Sorry, I didn't know there was a Crona in Hellsing either. (inside joke/phrase)

May: Oh…

Mack: Moving on.

Jay: Right! And then we have Millennium. By all that's freakish and unholy, here are some whackos. We have your standard 1,000 chipped vampires combined with the "Werewolves", an elite squad of super-vamps. (Zorin, Rip, Schrödinger, Captain, ect. are all part of this squad, although Captain is the only actual Werewolf) To quote p. 14 of the fifth book in the manga, said from a chipped vampire: "Ve're now numbered among the monsters. But before _**them**_, ve must look like mere rookies. They are the _**Werewolves**_. The _**Warmongers**_." They are all equally not cool and cool, and shall be discussed in their respective chapters. Led by the Major and (possibly and hinted at) created by Doc/Dok, this is a force to be reckoned with, an army of suicide soldiers and sociopath leaders.

May: Who?

Jay: Remember all the soldiers in the scene when the Major comes off the zeppelin?

May: Oh yeah…

Mack: When is she allowed to watch Hellsing again? This is getting tiresome…

Jay: When I find a good enough blackmail for my parents, that's when.

Mack: *sighs heavily*

May: Hey! I can hear you ya know!

Jay: I can hear you hearing me. I just don't care.

May: Hey! *tackles Jay out of chair*

*siblings proceed to fight each other across the stage and through the halls*

Mack: Well folks, stay tuned for the next chapter and hope I can call them off before we end up just having to do a May _or_ Jay. *runs off to collect his bosses*


	2. Alucard, Girlycard, Ally

_**And so we wander with our mindless little thoughts…**_

Mack: Hello again, welcome to the full character analysis!

*Alucard fangirls squeal and hug each other*

Jay: See? See what you made me look like? *glares at May*

May: But they liked the stories…and you really did need practice with kissy-huggy-ness.

Jay: Whatever…now, on to Alucard!

May: Yay!

Fangirls: AHHHHHHHHHHH!

Jay: Right…anyway…Alucard. Where to begin…let's go on what me n' May think of him. May?

May: He's awesome! Once when he was whooping the Blondie Valentine he was all melty and then he fell on the floor and he had a puppy face!

Fangirls: O.O

Jay: She would be referencing when he was fighting Luke Valentine, shifted, and then his head and hands fell on the floor and his tongue was hanging out.

Fangirls: . …EWWWWWWWWW!

May: They don't like the puppy-face?

Jay: Um…no comment. My personal view, this guy is badass. *plugs May's ears for swear word*I have personally seen him, in the manga, shoot over his shoulder and explode a ghoul head in a shower of much gore and ick, without even looking. He wasn't even facing in the same direction! He just absently holds his gun over his shoulder and shoots, without even turning around! Anyway, this guy is so insanely awesome; there are just no words for it. And no, I do not want to make babies with him. *shudders all over and makes face*

Fangirls: HERETIC!

Jay: Shut up! Who even let them in here?

May: They said I could have some candy.

Mack/Jay: *facepalm*

Jay: Mack, take care of it.

Mack: Yes boss.*takes out shotgun and starts shooting*

Jay: *louder over screams and shotgun blasts* Anyway, Alucard is the reason Hellsing is number two in my anime preference. In fact, he's the most awesome anime character ever, but Soul Eater has a better _anime_ overall. But nobody tops Alucard in awesome. Plus, if you actually read Dracula (which I have, the actual, Ye Olde Version of it. I'm that hard-core when it comes to books), he is believably the same character! I mean, I can totally envision Alucard doing and saying the things Dracula does, but maybe that's because I'm insane as well. Also, he does not sparkle.

May: *horror* You referenced the evil! You referenced the evil!

Jay: *blinks and then hides under chair* I'm sorry! I'm sorry! I didn't mean it!

May: *hides under her chair as well* The evil! The evil that makes even sparklies evil! EVIL I SAY!

*Mack comes back after shooting all the fangirls, covered in blood*

Mack: …You referenced the you-know-what, didn't you boss?

Jay: *whimpers* Yes…

May: THE EVIL!

Mack: *sighs* Hey masters, would this help?

*shows them video of Alucard shooting the crap out things*

*May and Jay get back in seats with evil grins, totally over it*

Jay: Anyway, Alucard is awesome. But enough about that, let's get into his character psyche. For all those AlucardxSeras fans, AlucardxIntegra fans, and Alucardxpretty-much-anything, I say to you *plugs May's ears* BULLSHIT! *unplugs May's ears* Alucard does not really have the capability to "love" as it has been defined in so many of those fanfics, and I seriously doubt he ever will. AlucardxSeras has its own merits, a father-daughter or student-master thing, which is possibly canon as Kohta Hirano describes it, but I say with the power vested in me, Alucard and Seras do not love each other. Proof? Does _anyone_ remember the moment in OVA 7 where Seras and Pip Bernadette kiss? Also, Alucard (as I have said) does not love per say, but I would agree whole-heartedly he is proud of Seras as a fledgling and vampire companion, but _not_ (I stress it again) as a lover or girlfriend or mate or whatever the hell you wanna call it!

May: 'Cause she's in love with Braid Guy!

Jay: That would be Pip for anyone who is not familiar with May's nickname for him. Also, Alucard's relationship with Integra. Now, I also see the origin of the AlucardxIntegra fanbase. It's a "forbidden love", he's a vampire, she's a human, she's his master, he's her slave, there is just so much material for you guys to get on with. Not to mention she is the only human he seems to address (besides the Queen) with any form of affection/respect. _BUT_…he does not love her, at least how I see it. I see Alucard's relationship with Integra as more of a battle of wills than anything else, and he refers to her with affection because she is the only one who commands him without hesitation, and is just the sort of person he approves of, stubborn, slightly reckless, and very violent when she needs to be. I could babble on for pages and pages about the ways Alucard may or may not like her for this or that, but the basis of my argument is, he sees her as a master, not as a lover/mate/girlfriend, and basically just finds her worthy of his admiration, much like any other veteran soldier who gets a new commander and sizes them up.

May: Yeah! Alucard is too cool for kissy and ick! *fistpump*

Mack: I blame you for that.

Jay: What! *shrugs defensively* It's not like she won't grow out of it.

Mack: Sure she won't.

Jay: Anyway, I bet all you people are going "But wait! You've done Alucard romances!" And you're right, I have done several Alucardxocs. But that is not only under protest, it was asked for by the readers. I do take your suggestions, no matter how much I might not want to, I can usually salve my conscience by thinking at least I get to do Hellsing. It is not my personal belief that that could ever work. And now onto something some people will yell at me for, AlucardxAnderson. Now, I am not a yaoi supporter nor reader, but it is a free country and people can write (and read) whatever they damn want. I don't have to like it however. But, not to dwell on that subject, I can again see where this idea germinated from. It is also forbidden love, something which apparently some people go wild for. It is EnemyxEnemy, and if it wasn't yaoi, something I might be amused by reading. But it is, and that's just…meh. *makes face*

May: What's ya-oi?

Mack/Jay: NOTHING! DO NOT EVER ASK THAT AGAIN!

*May blinks at them as they both scream it*

May: Okay, okay…fine…

Jay: Onto other things!

Mack: Yeah, ANY other things…

Jay: Agreed. Anyway, Alucard's personality. He's tired of exsisting, that's all I can explain with. The guy is _really_ tired of it. He's also stock raving mad, which is probably a direct result of being alive (well, not _living,_ but you know what I mean) for at least five hundred years. Hey, anybody'd go crazy if they had that much time all by themselves. Thusly, he is always on the lookout for a human who can kill him (as he views it unacceptable to be killed by a monster), and is really excited when he thinks Anderson is the one to do it (although he technically isn't human either), which is also why he's so alarmed when he threatened to use the Nail of Helena.

May: Uh…Mack, what's she talking about?!

Mack: It's in the episodes your sister didn't get around to showing you before your parents made her stop.

May: Ooooh….wah! That sounded cool!

Jay: IT WAS FREAKING AWESOME NOT COOL! I LOVED THAT FIGHT!

Mack: I'll try and show you sometime when there aren't any witnesses.

May: Sweet!

Jay: Anyway, Alucard's work ethic. He's bored. That's all I can say, so thusly he enjoys any "job" that employs killing vampires and ghouls to his heart's content with every freaky inch of his being. Hey, he's allowed to kill without being in trouble from hunters like Van Hellsing. Who wouldn't love a job like that?

Mack *coughs* Someone sane. *coughs*

Jay/May: What?

Mack: Nothing.

Jay: Anyway, he likes to kill things and sort of drown himself in a blood rage so he doesn't have to face being alive anymore. And no, god forbid, I am not trying to make him sound like an emo vampire that's all like "oh, woe is me, I'm a horrible monster and I feel so guilty and I want to be human again, boo hoo hoo". No. Alucard regrets some things, as would anyone, but on the whole he doesn't give a damn about all the horrible things he's done, even prides himself on most of them. His entire mentality and existence can be summed up by: "Heaven kicked me out. Hell was afraid I'll take over." And you know it's true…

May: Yeah! Alucard is in charge of everything!

Mack: You've raised your younger sister to idolize a psychopathic, gun-toting, blood-thirsty vampire who kills other things in the goriest ways he can think of as much as he can. Aren't you responsible.

Jay: *sniffles and wipes away tear* I'm so proud…

Mack: Anyway, that's the analysis of Alucard, please read and review. Next up, Paladin Alexander Anderson!


	3. The Paladin, Alexander Anderson

_**And yet more rambling, wandering little thoughts…**_

Mack: Welcome to the Hellsing Review Show! Today, Alexander Anderson! *turns to May and Jay*

Jay: He is too.

May: Is not!

Jay: Is too.

May: Is not!

Jay: Is too.

May: Is not!

Mack: What on earth are you two arguing about?

Jay: Him being taller than Alucard.

May: Is not!

Mack: Well luckily for us, Anderson is right here for the asking!

*dramatic music and curtain swoops up to reveal a certain priest*

Anderson: What did I do to deserve this… *facepalm*

Jay: Nothing, we were just bored again. Hey, I've always wanted to know this, where do you keep all those bayonets?

Alucard: *shouting from audience* He sticks them up his-

Anderson: YOU! GET READY TO DIE YA HEATHEN MONSTER! *gets off of stage and starts chasing him around the studio*

Jay: When did he get in here? And why wasn't he here for his own interview?

CRASH!

Mack: (chasing Anderson) About that boss…he's very tricky to keep still long enough for us to tie him down- I mean interview. I even offered him candy and he wouldn't stop running and screaming.

Alucard: *stops running and perches on stage lights* You only offered me a Snickers you cheapskate!

*Mack catches Anderson and drags him back to the chair*

Anderson: THIS ISN'T OVER!

Alucard: Sure it isn't. Do I get candy now?

Mack: No.

Alucard: Why not?

Mack: You wouldn't let us tie you do- interview you earlier, remember?

May: He's really wiggly!

Anderson: Wiggly? *smirks at Alucard*

Alucard: *grumbles* And its darn hard to escape that pipsqueak when she's on a sugar high. *folds arms*

Jay: Anyway, back to the topic at hand. Anderson, how do you keep all those bayonets?

Anderson: I'm fourth dimensional. So there. *sticks tongue out at Alucard*

Alucard: *folds arms and sticks out tongue as well* Nyah!

Anderson: Nyah!

Alucard: Nyah!

Anderson: Nyah!

Alucard: Nyah!

Anderson: Nyah!

Alucard: Nyah!

May/Jay/Mack: Nyah!

Alucard: Wait a second…

Jay: We wanted to join in.

May: Heeheehee!

Mack: I can be spontaneous on occasion.

Anderson: Is the boy the only one amongst you that's even mildly sane?

Jay: …Pretty much.

May: Yup!

Mack: We're a bad influence on each other.

Jay: Anyway, Alucard, get your crazy vamperic butt out of here. We're very busy.

Alucard: You can't throw me out!

Mack: Why not?

Alucard: Uhh…*thinks very hard to himself*

Jay: Anyway Anderson, why do you kill vampires?

Anderson: Because they're evil.

Jay: What if a vampire wasn't evil?

Anderson: Then it wouldn't be a vampire.

Jay: So what would a blood-sucking, coffin-sleeping, daylight-intolerant, silver-allergic, _not_-evil creature be called?

Anderson: A very strange person. *sits back and smiles happily*

Jay: Should we try and correct him?

May: Are we a very strange person?

Mack: I find from personal experience the best way to deal with crazy people is to smile and nod.

Jay: Really?

Mack: *smiles and nods*

May: I think he's telling the truth.

Jay: Right!

*both face Anderson, then smile and nod slowly before turning back around to face Mack*

Mack: I'm surrounded by insane females. And two of them aren't even female.

Anderson: Oy! Who're you calling a lady!

Alucard: (in Girlycard form) Probably me.

Anderson: *looks up* AHH!

Alucard: Nyah! *sticks out tongue at Anderson*

Anderson: You're a _girl_!

Alucard: So?

Anderson: …You're…you're not_ supposed_ to be a girl.

Alucard: Says who?

Anderson: Says…says me!

Alucard: Since when have I listened to what you or anyone else tells me to do?

Jay: He has a point.

May: Actually it's a she.

Mack: So does this make him Bi?

Alucard: WHAT?!

Anderson: Yes, yes it does. *smirks up at Alucard *

Alucard: No it doesn't! No it doesn't! *waving hands frantically* I'm a guy! I'm a guy!

Anderson: You're a very feminine "guy" right now to be sure.

Alucard: I can show you the difference. *unzips fly*

Jay: YOUNG CHILDREN PRESENT! YOUNG CHILDREN PRESENT! *covers May's eyes *

Mack: *covers Jay's eyes* I'd prefer not having to clean up her vomit, if it's all the same to you. It was bad enough when she took Sex Ed.

Jay: My poor virgin eyes… no more diagrams…*gags and weakly covers mouth*

Alucard: *zips up fly* You've been warned.

Jay/May/Mack: WE'RE WARNED.

Anderson: I think I almost died just now. Someone stop him if he tries that again. *holding stomach*

Alucard: Pansies.

Jay: ANYWAY, on from that *shudders*and back to Anderson. Where are the guns that go with your bayonets? Bayonets go on the end of guns don't they?

Anderson: I keep forgetting them in limbo.

Jay: You…forget them.

Anderson: Yeah. I forget them. In limbo. *nervous look*

Jay: *whispers to May* I don't believe it…

May: *whispers back* Me either…

Mack: *to Anderson* You didn't know they went on the end of guns did you?

Anderson: Shhh! *holds finger to mouth frantically*

Alucard: And I used to think it was a personal choice…loser.

Anderson: That's it! You're gonna die today! *tackles Alucard off rafters*

Jay: So…that it then?

May: I guess… *watches Alucard and Anderson punch each other*

Mack: Well that's all for today folks, next, Integra Hellsing!

Jay: Idiot! Don't punch a vampire in the mou- aw jeeze. Mack, go find his fingers…

Mack: Right boss.

May: I found his pinky! :3


	4. Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing

_**If you're wondering, we're just doing the people in whatever order we think of, so don't be too offended…**_

Mack: Welcome again to the Hellsing Review show! Today, Integra Hellsing!

Jay/May: Hide!

*dive under chairs*

Mack: She's not here.

Jay: I knew that. *gets out and dusts herself off*

May: You sure?

Jay/Mack: YES!

*May gets out of hiding place*

Mack: Why is she so scary?

Jay: She's not SCARY…she's very intimidating.

May: Scary!

Jay: *growls* You're not helping.

May: But she is!

Jay: That's beside the point. You are being a wuss!

May: Am not!

Jay: Are too!

May: D2!

Jay: Grrrr… *tick mark*

Mack: *coughs* Sad, isn't it folks? *coughs*

May/Jay: What?

Mack: Nothing boss. *hidden smirk*

Jay: *glaring at him* Whatever…anyway, on to Mrs. Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing!

May: Scary! *dives under chair again*

Jay: *roars* WILL YOU QUIT DOING THAT!

May: Sowwy. *gets out from under chair*

Jay: ANYWAY, now that the nonsense is over with, let's get on with it.

*big poof of smoke and Integra appears in the extra chair*

Integra: YOU! *whips out pistol and aims it at Jay*

May: And me!

Mack: I think she was talking to both of you.

May: But she's pointing the mini bang-stick at Jay.

Jay: That is true.

Mack: I give up. *facepalms*

Integra: *putting away pistol* I think I should just leave you in your misery.

Mack: MY misery you mean. They regret nothing.

Jay: That's not _technically_ true…I regret…um…uh…

May: I REGRET NOTHING! *holds squirt gun to her forehead and jumps off of ladder*

Mack: I. Blame. YOU. *points angrily to Jay*

Jay: Just because she worships the ground upon which I walk and does whatever I tell her to doesn't mean I'm responsible for what ideas I put in her tiny little head.

Integra: I'm pretty sure it does.

Jay: Oh be quiet.

Integra: Make me.

Jay: I'll let in the AlucardxIntegra fangirls and give you both to them.

Integra: THE _**WHAT**_ FANGIRLS?!

May: *ice pack on head* I got a boo-boo. *sits down in her chair with sad puppy face*

Integra: And look at what you're doing to that little girl! Have some empathy!

Jay: This would be coming from _you_…"Iron Maiden" Integra….

Integra: *blushing* Shut up.

May: If Jay gives me a kiss it'll feel better.

Jay: Bite me.

Alucard: *out of nowhere* I heard a dinner bell! *eager*

Integra: O.O

Jay: I take the last sentence back.

May: Dinner bell?

Mack: Out. I told you once, I told you twice, next time there will be fangirls involved.

Alucard: *gulp*

Jay: Darn right. *shudders*

*Alucard leaves via stage lights*

Integra: Everyone within fifty feet of you two menaces goes completely insane. *facepalms*

Mack: I still have what was left of my sanity mostly intact.

Integra: How reassuring…*sweatdrop*

Jay: Oh shut up the both of you. Now Integra, why do you insist on staying "pure" n' all that? The Hellsing line needs to be continued, or do you want Count Trigger-Happy running wild through London when you die?

Integra: Because…all the males I hang out with are wusses. I want to be with someone who can keep up with me and be an equal, not want to hold me back because I'm out of their league.

Jay: You're gonna have to wait a while then, unless you want to get married to some dude twenty years older than you. I've noticed pretty much everyone except you, Mr. Irons, and that one general on the Round Table weren't all that useful.

Integra: Oy! What makes you say that?! *indignant*

Jay: Well, for one Penwood sucks at his job even though he's the most patriotic guy ever, and all the rest got their sorry asses *covers May's ears for swear words* killed in the Battle of London. I mean, if the Queen puts people on the Round Table, shouldn't they be able to defend themselves just a _wee_ better than that?

Integra: …No comment.

Jay: *whispering to May* That would be grown-up talk for "I can't argue with that so I'm just gonna shut up and move on".

May: Ooohhh…like when a grown-up says "Because I said so"?

Jay: Exactly like. Right, so that explains a little. You know, a lot of fans think you and Alucard have a thing for each other.

Integra: They…what?

May: They think you and him wanna have babies! *blank and innocent grin*

Integra: *eye twitching" They. _**What**_?

May: You know, babies. Like when a momma and a daddy love each other very much-

Integra: YOU LITTLE-

*loud crashing and thumping noises as screen goes blank*

Mack: Please hold, we are getting an angry Englishwoman off of my bosses. Thank you.

*noises fade and picture comes back, May and Jay with black eyes and Integra being restrained by Mack*

Jay: *rubbing eye* I really don't see why you're mad at us, it's not like we came up with it.

May: *whimpers* You should ask the fangirls why they thought that.

Integra: If I find one anywhere near me I'm going to sic Alucard on them and tell him they tried to steal his coffin.

Jay: Whatever. Next question?

May: Why don't all you guys get along?

Integra: Because.

Jay/May: Because why?

Integra: Because…because…because we don't.

May: Big Elephant Came And Used Sarah's Earrings?

Integra: WHAT?!

May: Big Elephant Came And Used Sarah's Earrings. It spells because.

Jay: Yeah, shouldn't you know that?

Integra: I am not familiar with American teaching methods.

Jay: Haha. *grins at her*

May: Big Fat Major Came and Stole Integra's Pistols.

Integra: Bfmcasip?

Jay: I think she actually meant he stole your pistols.

Integra: *frantically checking pockets* WHAT!? THAT FAT LITTLE-

*Integra runs out of studio yelling at the Major to give her pistols back*

Jay: Well then…I guess we're done here.

May: *takes out Integra's pistols from under her chair* Yeah! *giggles*

Mack: *sighs* And so we go on…review please, let us know how you like this! Next up, Seras Victoria!


	5. Seras Victoria

_**And so on we wander…**_

Mack: Welcome to the next installment of the Hellsing review, Seras Victoria! *turns to stage*

Jay: Gimme!

May: Gimme!

Seras: *alarmed* Hey, there's enough for both of you!

Jay: Not if she gets some!

Mack: *sweatdrop* What on earth are you doing?

Seras: I brought some Skittle boxes for them since I watched the vampire movies they gave me for Christmas.

Mack: *pales* You've just ended the earth as we know it.

Jay: *climbs on top of chair, holding Skittles* The candy is mine! All mine! MUHAHAHAHAHAHA!

*May tackles Jay off of chair and multiple smacking noises ensue*

May: MY CANDY! MINE! MINE!

Jay: Mitts off the sugar! Its mine! I'll bite your face off!

*Mack and Seras sweatdrop*

Seras: Are they always like this around candy?

Mack: It doesn't even have to be candy; Jay held a box of doughnuts under siege in their treehouse for months to keep May from eating them first.

Seras: Halloween must suck.

Mack: *shudders* You don't want to know.

Jay: MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! MINE! *loud crashing noise*

May: Now look what you did!

Jay: Wasn't me! The wiring in this place just sucks!

May: I'm telling Mack!

Jay: *panicked* No no no! You can have the candy, just don't tell Mack!

May: Well…okay…

*both return to stage, a little roughed up*

May: *munching on Skittles* Thanks lady!

Seras: You're welcome. Aren't you going to share with your sister?

Jay: *nervously fidgets* Nah, she can have it all. *nudges May and whispers* Not one word about the stagelight…

May: *munching on Skittles busily* Mkay.

Mack: *looms over them* I'll be having a word with you both later.

May/Jay: *gulp*

Seras: What? Is it that bad?

Jay: Nah…it's…never mind.

May: *swallows Skittles nervously* Yeah…nothing…

Seras: *stares at them both* Okay, if you say so. *shrugs*

Jay; *irritably claps hands* Whatever! Down to business!

*lights suddenly turn off and a searchlight is shone in Seras's face*

Seras: *lifts hand to protect eyes* Oy! Can you turn that down!?

Jay: We're asking the questions here! *in fake captain's hat*

May: Yeah! So pipe down! *in fake lieutenant's hat*

Mack: Sometimes I think the only reason you two are still alive is because you are too random to die. *in an actual general's hat*

Jay: Silence! I outrank you! *pauses* Don't I?

*lights come back on as they confer with an army rank booklet*

May: So Jay outranks me and Mack outranks us both?

Jay: Must've gotten the hats switched around.

May: Unless Mack actually _does_ outrank us.

*all stare at each other*

All: Nah…*shake heads*

*pass the hats back and forth until Jay has general hat, May has captain's hat, and Mack has lieutenant's hat*

Jay: Much better.

Mack: Indeed.

*lights turn off and the searchlight is once again shone Seras's face*

Jay: Alright then, where were you on the night of July the Fifth?!

Seras: Being chased by a homicidal vampire priest.

Jay: Mack, check the Hellsing manga for confirmation.

*after proper rites and adoration is conducted, Mack removes the manga from The Holy Altar of Hellsing*

Mack: *flicking through pages*Looks like her story checks out boss. She's clean.

Jay: Dang it.

May: Uh huh. *pouts*

*Mack once again goes through the proper ceremonies and then replaces the book on the Altar*

Seras: *mystified* Do you always do that?

Jay: What?

Seras: All the stuff with the bowing and the chanting and the incense.

*all stare at her and reply slowly* Yeah…

Seras: Uh…okay then. Carry on!

Jay: Right! *shoves light in her face* What was your very first thought upon seeing Alucard?!

Seras: Hmm…everything was moving too fast, I couldn't even think straight.

Jay: *mutters* That would explain the fact you didn't run away when you should've…

Seras: What?

Jay: *looks sheepishly innocent* Nothing. Carry on.

Seras: Right…whatever. I guess I kinda thought he…do I really have to answer? *blushes*

Jay: *perks up* My interest is piqued.

May: Same here.

Mack: I second that. *nods*

*all lean towards her expectantly*

Seras: *blushing harder* I…well…he…uh…oh my gosh, look at the time! Bye! *runs out the door*

Jay: OH NO YOU DON'T! *jabs finger at door* AFTER THAT VAMPIRESS!

May: Charge!

Mack: *sighs and gets up* I hate this part of my job…do you even know how fast a panicked vampire can run?

Jay: Who cares?! Find me a pitchfork and call in Anderson! We're on a vampire hunt!

May: *brandishes torch* Woohoo!

Mack: I am constantly astounded at how much deeper into the reaches of insanity you two get.

Jay: I'll give you a Snickers bar.

Mack: *in Ye Old clothing with pitchfork and torch* GET 'EM!

Jay: *grins* I thought so.

*all run after Seras waving mob paraphernalia*

LONG SEARCH LATER…

Seras: *tied down in her chair* I hate you all…so much.

Jay: *sprawled in chair, fanning herself with notes* Oh pipe down, we didn't even have to call in Anderson.

May: *draped over floor, exhausted* Ugh…

Mack: *leaning against camera* I told you…*pant*…how fast…*pant*…panicked vampires run, but nooo, you didn't listen to me.

Seras/Jay/May: Shut up.

Mack: Right, fine…

Jay: Just for that little side comment, you gotta pick up all the pitchforks and torches.

Mack: Oh come on!

May: And the Seras-burn marks from when she was sprinting!

Seras: I left burn marks?

All three: YES.

Jay: *dramatic stance and jabs a finger at Seras* There's no place to run! There's no place to hide! You WILL tell us your first thought of Alucard!

May: *tugging on her sleeve*Actually, she could hide in the-

*Mack quickly covers the potential secret-leaker's mouth*

Seras: * weary sigh* You promise never to tell him?

Jay: Sure.

May: I promise!

Mack: *nods* Not a word to the freak.

Seras: *deep breath and blurts it as fast as she can* ITHOUGHTHEWASAPIMP!

All three: O.O

Jay: Mack, instant slo-mo replay, _please_.

Mack: *moment of bug-eyed silence as he watches it, then removes earbuds* May, cover your ears.

May: Aww…*does so*

*Mack leans forward and whispers in it Jay's ear as she chokes and stares at Seras*

Jay: *stunned*All my respect for your intelligence…just went down the drain.

Seras: *blushing furiously*

May: What'd she say? What'd she say?

Jay: You shall never know.

May: Aww…can I ask a question?

Jay: Sure, 'go ahead.

May: *takes deep breath and clasps hands in front of her* How do you carry the big cannon around?

Seras: My Harkonnen?

May: Uh huh. *nods as everyone in the audience goes "aw, so cute"*

Seras: How is that a question though?

Jay: Excuse us, but that thing's humongous, not to mention the freakish recoil it must have.

Seras: Ooooh…well, I'm a vampire. *shrugs* It feels light as air to me, and I don't even notice the recoil anymore.

Jay: Well, there you have it. Now, before we go, I need to ask you a question that is very near and dear to the hearts of all the fans of Hellsing Abridged.

Seras: What's that?

Jay: *covers May's ears* Do bitches really love cannons?

*awkward silence*

Seras: *tick mark* You…you…WHAT DID YOU JUST CALL ME?!

Jay: It was a simple question.

May: What was it?

Sears: THAT'S IT, YOU TWO ARE GOING TO DIE TONIGHT! *rips free of chair restraints*

Jay: Fuzzbucket.

May: Uh huh.

CRASH!

BANG!

CLANK!

BOOM!

Mack: *ignoring background chaos* Ladies and gentlemen, I thank you for reading this installment of our little show. However, the producers are in desperate need of reviews, and more importantly Snickers. Please click the little button that I understand is somewhere under this sentence, and a review shall be sent, as well as a Snickers to m- the producers. Thank you and enjoy your evening/morning/day. Next, Pip Bernadette!


	6. Captain Pip Bernadette, Frenchie

_**Shall our random little thoughts ever stray back to a normal course? Probably not, but the thought is at least amusing…**_

*crowd cheers enthusiastically and claps*

Mack: Welcome back to our Hellsing Review, and I must say, WHERE ARE MY SNICKERS?!

Jay: Oh pipe down 'Headphones.

May: It's okay if you didn't get any candy!

Pip: *smokes cigarette and blows out puff of smoke* Eh, _c'est la ve_.

Mack: No one sympathizes the poor secretary… *sniffles*

Jay: We sympathize heaps, my Snicker-deprived friend. But we also need to get this thing moving.

May: I have some for you! *holds out Snickers to Mack*

*Mack snatches Snickers from May and starts munching happily*

Jay: Better?

Mack: *speaking around Snickers* Uh huh. Much better, thanks May.

May: You're welcome! *beams and giggles*

Pip: Do I get any?

Jay: Mack will fight to the death for a single Snickers crumb, so yeah, if you can actually manage, go ahead.

Pip: *stares at Mack for a moment* Uh…maybe I'll just grab a popcorn bag.

Jay: *nods solemnly* Wise choice.

May: *with a fake mustache and monocle* Indeed.

Pip: Wait, didn't you not have those earlier?!

Jay: *wearing FBI suit and glasses* That is classified information.

May: *pirate hat, eyepatch, and fake parrot on her shoulder, swinging plastic sword* Avast me hearties yo ho!

Mack: *bright red Santa hat & ensemble* Ho ho ho and a bottle of rum.

Pip: *wearing swimsuit with surfboard propped against his chair* This is insanity!

Jay: *Greek helmet and Trojan sword* THIS IS SPARTA!

May: *Shakespearian costume and clutching skull* To be or to not be, question the is that?

Mack: *in black PJs and fluffy grey slippers* Go home May, you're drunk.

Pip: *apron that says "kiss the cook" and pink chef's hat* She's too young to be drunk! She's like only three years old!

Jay: *general's uniform and hat* DROP AND GIVE ME NINE SOLDIER! SHE TURNED NINE JUST A FEW DAYS AGO!

May: *party hat and pink tutu* Happy birthday to me, I'm a hundred and three…

Mack: *cheerleader outfit with pom-poms* Gimme a C, gimme an R, gimme an A-Z-Y. *waves them around half-heartedly*

Pip: *princess dress and tiara* Aaaaaaaaggggghhhhh! *clutches head*

Jay: *medic's scrubs and scalpel* Gimme the anesthetic, WE'RE GOING TO OPERATE!

May: *Gumbie costume* OPERATE! OPERATE! WE'RE GOING TO OPERATE!

Mack: *servant's costume and banging two halves a coconut together* You're making the horses nervous. *mimics panicked horses with coconut*

Pip: *apocalypse survivor's clothes and all grimy* I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO THINK ANYMORE!

Jay: *working on a whiteboard with Einstein wig* So if E really does equal mc2, then does that mean anime ISN'T the center of the universe?

May: *cowboy outfit and hat, waving pistols around* WE ATTACK AT DAWN! CHARGE!

Mack: *sailor's outfit and harpoon* Where's that stupid whale?! I'M GONNA STICK THIS RIGHT THROUGH HIS EYEBALL!

Pip: *Goldilocks wig and blue dress* I WANT MY MOMMMY! MAKE IT STOP!

Jay: *suddenly in normal outfit* You were doing it too ya know. *hands on hips*

May: *taking off cowboy hat* Yeah! It's not our fault!

Mack: *stares at himself and tosses spear over his shoulder* I have no idea what just happened.

Pip: I don't think any of us do. *puts cigarette in mouth and lights it nervously*

Jay: I know exactly what happened, and I can prove it. *excited*

Pip: Really? _How_?

May: Well, obviously all we have to do is do it all over again! From the top!

Jay: Right! *rolls up her sleeves*

Pip: NOOOOOOOO! *panicked*

Mack: I second that motion.

May/Jay: Aww…*sad*

*Pip and Mack breathe a sigh of relief*

Jay: Well, since you guys are complete and utter spoilsports, I guess we gotta go on with the questions n' stuff.

May: Aww…again…

Mack: Whatever.

Pip: Do I get a say in this?

All: _No._

Pip: Dang it. *snaps fingers*

Jay: *making herself comfortable in the chair* So then…Captain Frenchie Braid Guy…question for ya.

Pip: I'll try very hard to answer it, but you can't hold me accountable for bad language. *puts hands behind head and blows out cloud of smoke*

Jay: Yes I can, so watch out buster. *brandishes baseball bat* I have a peacemaker.

May: Wouldn't that be a splinter-maker?

Jay: *shrugs* Same difference.

Mack: *sweatdrop* The…questions?

Jay: *perks up*Oh yeah! Thanks for that Mack. *dramatic pose* Captain Pip Bernadette, I charge you to tell us exactly what happened to your missing eye!

May: Yeah! Or are you a pirate in disguise and just _pretending_ to be a mercenary!

Mack: O.O

Pip: Uh…I'm not a pirate.

May: Pinky promise?

Pip: Sure. *leans forward and pinky-promises with May*

Audience: Daww…so cute! X3

Jay: Anyway, what's with the eyepatch?

Pip: *leans back comfortably in his chair* Well, this one time when we were fighting in the very thick of the South American jungle…

*wavy lines and flashback sound*

"_Sir! Where's Lando?" Pip looked up from his gun, seeing nothing but green and more green. __**Stupid jungle**__. He thought irritably, adjusting his gun a little higher on his shoulder. "We're gonna have to go on without him, the enemy's everywhere and-aah!" His shout was cut off by the most incredible pain he had ever felt in his ten years or so of being in the business of war, his left eye suddenly seeing nothing but crimson. "The hell?!" He put a hand to his face, feeling blood pour over his glove and grimaced as he felt ruined skin and flesh. "HAHAHA! Stupid Frenchman!" He jerked his head up, seeing Lando standing in a tree several feet away, gun aimed at his face. "What the- LANDO WHAT THE HELL?!" Pip screeched, and the Spaniard laughed. "I want my illegal mines to be allowed to operate! If you're stupid boss wins the fight then I'm shut down!" The man beside Pip gasped. "You bastard!" Pip gritted his teeth, pressing his hand tighter to his bleeding eye. "Get him men!"_

*wavy lines and fades back to stage*

Pip: And that's what happened.

Jay: I have a completely irrelevant question that has to do with that story.

Pip: Yeah?

Jay: Have you ever seen _Star Wars: The Empire Strikes Back_?

Pip: No…

Jay: That's weird. *scratches head*

Mack: *nods musingly* There are some striking similarities.

May: *points finger at him accusingly* I don't like you anymore! You haven't seen Star Wars!

Jay: Pipe down May, it's not his fault. It was the alarm clock conspiracy.

*both May and Jay make ominous faces and shudder*

May: *whispers* The alarm clock conspiracy…

Jay: Shhh! They might hear you! *frantic movements*

Mack: Calm down, there's no such thing as-

Alucard: *pops up behind them and mimes alarm clock* Bring! Bring! Brrriiiiinnnnggg!

May/Jay: *both jump* AAAAAAH! THE EVIL IS UPON US! *dive under curtains*

Pip: *cigarette falls from open mouth and points at Alucard* Uhh…what's he doing here?

Mack: THAT'S IT, NO MORE MR. NICE GUY! *takes out dog whistle and blows on it*

Alucard: *indignant* I'm not a dog you know. Plus I can adjust my hearing so that stupid sound doesn't hurt my ears.

Mack: *ominous aura* This isn't for _you_.

*floor starts to shake and there is an ominous rumbling sound*

Alucard: Uhh…what's that? *nervous*

Pip: I would hazard a guess that it's something very bad. *lights another cigarette*

*doors suddenly burst open and a bunch of fangirls pour in*

Fangirls: ALUCARD-CHAN!

Alucard: WHAT THE CRAP?!

Fangirls: *advancing* WE LOVE YOU ALUCARD-CHAN!

Alucard: *whips out Casull and Jackal* STAY AWAY FROM ME! I HAVE GUNS!

Mack: That won't save you, you fool! MUHAHAHAHAHA! *evil laugh*

*Alucard runs off with fangirls in hot pursuit*

Alucard: SOMEONE HELP MEEEEE!

*ringing silence and then a whole lot of happy shrieking*

Pip: *takes off his hat* May he rest in pieces.

Mack: Amen. *shudders*

Jay/May: *peeking out from underneath curtains* Are the alarm clocks gone?

Mack: Uh…sure.

*both get out from under curtain and resume usual seats*

Jay: *wipes sweat off of brow* I almost thought they were gonna get us that time.

May: *twitching and looking around nervously* What if they come back?

Mack: I'm pretty sure the, err…"alarm clock" is busy right now. *whispers to Pip* _Very_ busy.

Pip: *nods* You got that right.

Jay: *abruptly shifts to normal mood* Right! Anyway Mr. Frenchie, why on earth did you apply for the Hellsing job?

May: Huh?

Mack: You see, when a grown-up wants someone to give them a job, they look for job applications and then apply for them. So if Mr. Bernadette got the job, which he did, he would have had to apply for it first.

May: Ooohhh…

Pip: *crosses arms behind head* Well, after the job in the desert, I looked over the ads and saw this one that said "Looking for a large group of soldiers, preferably with no connections to any family, must be willing to fight in urban situations and household settings, high pay. Mortality rates are over fifty." It sounded just the sort of job for a bunch of mercenaries.

Jay: Now I know why no one else applied when Integra said she had to post mortality rates.

May: Uh huh.

Mack: *listening to the pager in his headphones* You mean they didn't leave a mess? No bones or guts?

Pager: _Only a lot of blood and metal shreds. I think they were from his guns._

Mack: Poor guy… *somewhat remorseful for his actions*

Pager: _Indeed. Should I get a mop?_

Mack: Probably.

*pager cuts out*

*Jay, May, and Pip stare at Mack*

Mack: Don't ask.

Jay: Okay then…moving on…last question Frenchie, why do you wear your hair so freaking long?

Pip: *blinks* Uh…because.

Jay/May: Because why?

Pip: Because I do. *folds arms and sulks*

May/Jay: Why do you?

Pip: Promise not to tell anybody?

Mack: *revving up camera* Promise.

Pip: *not looking at anyone and speaking rapidly* I-read-somewhere-women-are-more-prone-to-like-men- with-longer-hair! *snaps mouth shut, blushing*

SILENCE…

Jay: O.O

Mack: O.O

May: XD

*all start snickering*

Jay: You…because women like…BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! *falls off chair*

Pip: *blushing harder* Shut up.

Mack: *wiping away tears* You were that desperate?!

Pip: *now a nice tomato color* SHUT UP!

May: Girly! Girly! Girly-girly-girly! *claps hands in time to chant*

Pip: *now practically on fire, blood rushing to face at speed of sound* **SHUT UP**!

*Alucard staggers out of shadows*

Alucard: *dazed* I'm alive…I'm alive…I'm alive…

Jay: *excited* Hey its Ally! HI ALLY! *waves*

Alucard: *twitches and groans upon hearing her* But I wish I wasn't…

Mack: How did you escape the glomp-hungry horde of fangirls I sent after you?

Alucard: *sticks out his tongue* I'm not going to tell you. You'll just use it against me.

Mack: *snaps fingers* Dang it.

Pip: So you're back then? Have a nice trip? *lights cigarette smugly*

Alucard: *grins* I would shut up if I were you. *holds up dog whistle he snitched from Mack gleefully*

Pip: *pales* W-what are you thinking? Let's not be hasty! *backing away*

Alucard: *advancing* I'll do it, don't think I won't. I've waited a long time for the proper revenge for daring to smooch my fledgling.

Pip: *indignant panic* I was dying man! I think I can claim amnesty!

Alucard: *smug* But she was already dead, as am I, as technically you are too.

Pip: *clueless* But…but…but…

Alucard: *grinning* Say goodbye Frenchie. *blows the whistle*

*floor starts to shake and there is an ominous rumbling sound*

Jay: *excited* It's the coming of the second apocalypse!

May: *puts on swimming gear* Dibs on the rubber ducky! Dibs on the rubber ducky!

*doors suddenly burst open and a bunch of fangirls pour in*

May/Jay: Aww… *drop flotation devices in disappointment*

Fangirls: PIP-CHAN! WE LOVE YOU! *charge towards mercenary captain*

Pip: AAAAAAAHHH! SOMEONE HELP ME! *runs away at the speed of panicked _bishie_*

Alucard: RUN FRENCHIE RUN! HAHAHAHAHAHA! *laughs manically*

May: *grabs whistle* Gimme that!

Mack: *turns off camera* I suppose I better go and fetch the janitor equipment right now and save myself the effort.

Jay: Well, that was our thing for Captain Pip, PLEASE review and tune in next time for Walter C. Dornez! Especially the review! We need motivation! PLEASE!

_***Something I was wondering for a while and finally Googled, bishie is;**_

_**Short for bishounen, translated roughly meaning "pretty boy." Used for attractive male anime characters, and sometimes real life. Generally used by rabid anime fans who can't spell bishounen so they shorten it.**_


	7. Walter C Dornez, the Butler

**_PLEASE someone review this…we're begging you…please…_**

Mack: Welcome back…again…*mutters* non-reviewers…

Jay: King Queen Jack SLAP! *lightly smacks May's cheek*

May: Aww…next game.

Jay: You're on!

*start playing tick tack toe*

May: I win! I win!

Jay: Fuzzbucket. *leans over*

May: *considering Jay's neck* Hmm…doink! *pokes her with her pointer finger*

Jay: *sitting back up and looking at May's hand* Uh…that one? *points to May's middle finger*

May: Nope! *folds it down*

Jay: That one? *pinky*

May: Nope.

Jay: Uh…that…one? *thumb*

May: Nope!

Jay: FUZZEN FUZZY FUZZBUCKET! *tick mark*

May: I win I win!

*Jay holds out her arm*

May: I win you lose; now you got a big bruise! *tap along and then slugs Jay's arm*

Walter: Is this what they do to entertain themselves?

Mack: You just wait until they get bored with _that_.

Walter: I prefer not to. *shudders*

May: TOO LATE! *evil giggle* Potato!

Jay: Ireland. Uh…sparklies!

May: AWESOME! Shark!

Jays: _Jaws_ and run. Swimming?

May: Drowning… dust?

Jay: Zombie apocalypse. Teeth?

May: MONEY! Or quarters…violin!

Jay: Epic backstory. Bow and arrow?

Walter: What on earth are you two going on about _now_?

Jay: It's a game we play. You say something random and the other person has to say the first thing that comes to mind.

Walter: So the first thing that comes to your mind when someone says "dust" is zombie apocalypse?

Jay: *indignant* _Dust and Decay_ man! _Dust and Decay_!

Mack: Just nod and smile and she'll shut up about it.

Walter: *nods and smiles slowly*

Jay: Whatever.

*suddenly several large crates drop down from the ceiling*

Jay: WHAT THE CRAP?!

May: My precious! *grabs comfy chair*

Mack: *hiding behind curtains* I think its aliens!

Walter: *sweatdrop* You can't be serious… *gets up to start poking at crates* They're completely harmless!

Jay: Then why are you using a stick?

Walter: *busted* Uh…

Mack: It seems harmless enough. *out from curtains and inspecting crate*

Jay: Look, there's a tag! *grabs slip of paper* It's for us!

May: Is it poisoned?

Jay: Dunno. Lets read it.

*all gather around paper*

Jay: "Dear May, Jay, and Mack. I love this show and sent these as a treat and a reward for you all. The box on the left is for Mack, and yes, it's Snickers. The other one is for you two to SHARE.  
Sincerely jodycain74.

PS: Tell Mack he's doing a great job."

May: Wow! That's so sweet big sis! What do you think Mack?

Mack: *busily tearing crate apart with his bare hands* THEY'RE KING SIZED! ALL KING SIZED! HAHAHAHAHAHA! *giddy laugh*

Jay: I think he likes it. Let's bust this open and get our sugar!

ALL START EATING CANDY

Walter: Do I get some?

Mack: *mouth full* MINE! *pushes crate behind camera podium*

Jay: *ninja pose* I will fight you to the bloody death for every last little Nerd in this box.

May: Here ya go Mr. Walter. *hands him a Sourpatch Kids*

Audience: Daww…

Jay: I don't like those anyway. *shoveling Nerds into mouth*

Mack: *munching on Snickers voraciously (you learned a new word today children!)* Mm-hmm.

May: *face buried in kettle corn bucket* Mmp mm!

Walter: *nibbling on Sourpatch* Some people have no manners.

Jay: *pauses for air* Oh shut up Jeeves.

Mack: *inhales deeply* Yeah…

May: *indignant* I extend my pinky when I drink tea and everything!

All: *sweatdrop*

Jay: *finishing Nerds* Well, now that we're properly hopped up on sugar, lets get this party started! *cracks fingers*

Mack: Gotcha boss. *revving up camera*

May: *Spartan helmet and sword* LET THE GAMES BEGIN!

Mack: NOT AGAIN! BAD MAY! NO!

May: *sad puppy sound and drops war regalia*

Jay: HOW DARE YOU MAKE MY SISTER SAD! DIE! *tackles him off stage*

MULTIPLE FIGHTING NOISES ENSUE

Walter: *sweatdrop*

May: *fidgeting* So…Mr. Walter…why do you have the dental floss gloves?

Audience: Daw…SO CUTE!

Walter: *settles back in chair* Well, I needed something that was lightweight, durable, and very very sharp. After lengthy consideration, I choose dental floss.

*Jay yells excitedly from the background that she scored a point*

*Mack replies with an order to give back his headphones*

May: Really? That's it?

Walter: Well, I can go into flashback mode if you wish.

May: Ooh yay! Flashback mode!

Walter: Well, it all happened a few days before Operation Crout Control…

*wavy lines and flashback sound*

_"ALUCARD!" Walter slammed open the door, fuming. The vampire was getting into the annoying habit of appearing in his room after lights-out, and it was pissing him off. He had just been getting ready for bed, and his toothbrush was clenched in his hand like a weapon. Alucard smirked at him from the ceiling, in that stupid girl-form. "Yes, Angel of Death?" He asked innocently, and Walter growled. "WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING IN MY ROOM AT THIS HOUR?! GET OUT!" He threw the toothbrush at the vampire, to no effect. "UGH!" He snarled, stomping back to the bathroom and beginning to irritably floss his teeth._

_Alucard nonchalantly walked through the doorway -via the ceiling- pissing the already furious Angel of Death off even more. "Du yu eve ha a sense a privacy? (Do you even have a sense of privacy?)" He snarled around the dental floss, grappling with the long string as he worked it around his teeth, the vampire walking absently down the wall. "No. And that was a stupid question you already knew the answer to." The raven-haired "female" replied, staring dully at his face. "Wehl yu cerainly ha a sense a humor. (Well you certainly have a sense of humor.)" Walter grumbled, irritated beyond belief. He suddenly noticed Alucard was creeping towards the door, raising an eyebrow. "Wha's wron wi yu? (What's wrong with you?)" he asked in surprise, and the vampire twitched, caught mid-escape. "Uh…nothing." He said guiltily, and by now Walter was on full alert. "Wha's wron wi yu?!" He repeated angrily, and the vampire scowled. "NOTHING!"_

_"WHA'S WRON WI YU?!"_

_"I HATE DENTAL FLOSS OKAY?!"_

_Awkward silence. Walter still had the dental floss wound around one of his teeth, and he blinked stupidly at the vampire, whose face was red. "Wha?" He asked numbly, stunned. Alucard was now staring angrily at the floor. "I hate it. It's evil." He said archly, and Walter tugged aforementioned evil out of his mouth. "It's DENTAL FLOSS. It's STRING." He said in exasperation, showing the vampire as he hurriedly backed away. "It's EVIL string." He said defensively, and Walter raised an eyebrow. "Seriously?" Alucard folded his arms. "Vampires hate dental floss. Ask anyone." He said primly, and Walter looked at the string in his hands, then up and the vampire, then down at the strings. An evil grin cracked his face, and he started advancing on the slowly panicking vampire. "Revenge is sweet Alucard. NOW FLEE THE EVIL OF DENTAL FLOSS!"_

*wavy lines and fades back to stage*

Walter: Any questions?

May: *furiously writing on notepad* Vampires…hate…dental floss…

Jay: *somehow having popped up, one black eye and a split lip* Including…Alucard… *clicks pen shut and looks up* Thanks Walt.

Mack: *shirt sleeve missing and long scratch down the side of his face* You have contributed greatly to the May and Jay cause. *bows*

Hellsing/Soul Eater cast: TRAITOR!

*Walter jumps*

Walter: What was that?!

Jay: Don't worry about it; we hear voices out of nowhere all the time.

Walter: And somehow that doesn't comfort me at all.

May: *scratches head* I don't see why it wouldn't.

Mack: Don't question the voices. And don't listen to those who don't hear them. Trust me. *nods sagely*

May: Right!

Jay: Speaking of that minor/major annoyance, why do you want to kill Alucard so freaking badly? It seems so idiotic.

Walter: Am I limited to just one flashback?

Jay: Nah, take it away Alfred!

Walter: Well it was a dark and stormy night, soon after our return from Germany…

*wavy lines and **_ominous_** flashback sound*

_"ALUCAAARRDD!" That was it. The Line had been crossed. The temple had been desecrated. Alucard had broken the very foundation of the universe. All that was good and British in the world was falling down around his ears. "It's just a card game Walter." The Nosferatu said neutrally, giving him a raised eyebrow over his hand as Walter slammed his own cards down on the table. "B&#*#^$*! I'm British! You're a…a **vampire**!" Alucard was unperturbed. "I know that. What's your point?" he asked with a raised eyebrow, and Walter violently gestured to the cards the vampire had laid out on the cold wooden table. "This is unacceptable! I'm born and bred in a country that excels in cards! I live by this! And YOU, yeah, YOU-" Alucard had pointed to himself calmly with a raised eyebrow "-come barging in here and clean me out! You probably never held a pack of cards before now! You spent all your time as a human cutting people up and when you were a vampire you just ate them afterwards! HOW THE BLOODY BRITISH HELL DID YOU BEAT ME?!"_

_Alucard calmly picked up both hands and began shuffling them into the deck. "One, I did not cut people up, I impaled them. Two, I did hold a pack of cards before, and I played myself. Three, if I told you how I beat you then I wouldn't beat able to beat you again, would I?" he explained levelly to the fuming butler, and Walter snatched the pack of cards back from the bored vampire. "SHUT UP!" he screamed, going into a fit of childish petulance as Alucard watched in amusement, waiting for the screeching and stomping human to stop throwing a tantrum before taking the cards back and continuing to shuffle. "And why were you playing YOURSELF?" Walter asked after a moment, and Alucard frowned. "Well, it happened just after Van Hellsing…"_

_*wavy lines and flashback sound*_

*flashback sound is cut off with a screech, and it goes back to the stage*

Walter: HE CAN'T HAVE A FLASHBACK IN **MY** FLASHBACK!

Jay: Can we make an exception?

May: *puppy eyes* Pretty please?

Alucard: *mimicking May* yeah? Pretty please?

All: O.O

Jay: You…really need to work on your begging face.

Alucard: *blows raspberry at her and phases away*

Mack: Right…back to the flashbacks.

*wavy lines and appropriate sound*

_Alucard sighed, looking irritably at the roof of his coffin. "Well…this sucks." he growled, tapping a finger impatiently against his folded arm, the stake still embedded in his chest. Aside from making movement rather difficult, he was also unable to heave open his coffin lid. Not to mention Van Hellsing and the others had probably put chains and locks and suchlike on it in case of just such an attempt. He sighed, slamming his head back against the floor as he rummaged in his suit, making a sound of triumph and pulling out a pack of cards. Better than nothing. "Right…" he muttered into the darkness, shuffling it and then dealing it to himself and a shadow, which he summoned from his coffin. He sighed heavily, trying to ignore how stupid this was, laying out his matches beside his chest decoration as the shadow did the same. "Go Fish." he said with another sigh, and the shadow complied. This entertained him for most of his imprisonment in the coffin, including the long boat ride over the sea back to England._

_*wavy lines and flashback sound*_

_"And that's why I played myself." Alucard said simply, looking up from his hand as Walter scowled and reshuffled his own. "You are really sad sometimes, ya know that?" he asked, touching a light to his cancer stick and watching as Alucard rolled his eyes, waving the nicotine fumes away from his sensitive nose. "You try being locked in a box for roughly a month and a half with nothing but your own mind for company. Card games begin to take on a certain attraction." Alucard growled, shuddering and focusing again on the game as Walter rolled his eyes, the vampire's past antics confusing him as much as his present ones._

*wavy lines and flashback sound*

Jay: …*silent*

May: *blink blink*

Mack: *jaw hanging*

Jay: You…wanted to kill him because he beat you in a card game? *eye twitching*

Walter: IT WAS A VERY IMPORTANT CARD GAME! I BET MY GREAT-GREAT GRAMFATHER'S SOLID GOLD CARD SET ON THAT GAME! *over-reacting*

Mack: *raised eyebrow* Your grandpa had a solid gold card set?

May: Ooh shiny!

Jay: *facepalm*

Walter: DO NOT DARE DISRESPECT THE GLORY OF MY GREAT-GREAT GRANDFATHER'S SOLID GOLD CARD SET! *rage*

Jay: And _you_ don't dare use your outside voice in my face buddy, or I will use_ The Whistle._

*ominous aura*

May: *wails and hides under chair*The whistle! The whistle!

Mack: *gulp* The whistle… *whispers*

Walter: *confused* What is "The Whistle"?

*lights darken*

Jay: *waves fingers over crystal ball dramatically* The whistle is everything, all that once was and all that will be! The whistle controls time and space, love and death!

May: *in wizard's costume* The whistle can see into your mind!

Both: *looming over him* The whistle can see into your soooouuul!

Mack: *nods vehemently from behind camera*

Walter: *shaken* Really? The whistle…it can do all that?

Jay: *tosses crystal ball over her shoulder with a grin, breaking several stage lights* Heh, no. We were just messing with ya.

Mack: *sticking a Snickers in his mouth* But it CAN summon a host of rabid anime fangirls.

May: *nods sagely* Uh-huh.

Jay: And it even makes sure they're fangirls of the nearest anime character! Convenient right? *maniac grin*

Walter: *incredulous* That's it?

Jay: YOU DOUBT THE WHISTLE?! THAT'S IT! I'M BRINGING OUT THE BIG GUNS! *whips shiny silver dog whistle out from pocket* PREPARE FOR YOUR DOOM WALTER C. DORNEZ!

May: No big sis no! *tackles her and tries to grab the whistle* Too much overkill! Too much overkill!

Jay: *struggling to hold onto whistle* He doubts the whistle! He doubts the whistle! He must die for his insolence!

Mack: *chewing on Snickers innocently* Don't worry. They'll stop before it comes to fatalities.

Walter: How are none of you put in mental institutions?

Mack: Well the mental institutions would have to _want_ us in the first place…poor guys aren't prepared.

Walter: Such as… *trails off expectantly*

Mack: *puts hand on chin* Well if I remember correctly the one time we went to a mental ward to "check out the competition" as Jay put it, all the staff had to be evacuated because the inmates were throwing a party. My bosses were handing out autographs, videos, and contraband items which included but not limited to butter knives, Nerf guns, sporks, and gum, and all the security guards were roped into a game of freezetag with the schizophrenic wardmates by the time law enforcement arrived with a SWAT team.

*both watch May and Jay fight each other for the whistle*

Walter: *slowly* And where we YOU when all this was going down?

Mack: I was playing Simon Says with the dyslexic patients. *dramatic wince* DO NOT DO IT. They will wipe the floor with you.

Walter: I'll keep that in mind next time I go to a party in a mental institution and the patients get out of hand playing games.

Mack: Happens surprisingly often doesn't it?

Walter: Indeed.

May: *staggers out of dust cloud* I GOT THE WHISTLE! I GOT THE WHISTLE! *proudly holds said shiny in the air*

Jay: *tackles her across the floor* NO YA DON'T!

*whistle goes clattering off into shadows*

Jay/May: NOOOOOOO!

*both jump for it*

*Alucard wanders out of shadows behind Mack and Walter as they tussle*

Alucard: *casual* So…what 'cha doing?

Walter: Watching the two terrors pummel each other. *absent*

Mack: *eating Snickers* Waiting for them to regain sanity.

Alucard: Uh huh…gotcha. *twirling whistle around finger*

*suddenly fighting noises stop*

Walter: Did they find it?

Alucard: Find what?

*Mack turns to tell him and sees whistle*

Mack: *pales* Uh…you might want to get rid of that.

Alucard: *clueless* Why?

Mack: Would you believe me if I said my two bosses would tear you limb from limb for it?

Alucard: Normally, no. Here…

*May and Jay screech and drop down from ceiling*

Alucard: *speaking rapidly* Yes-I-do-and-have-a-nice-day! *shoves whistle into Mack's chest and hightails it*AND DON'T LET THEM SIC THE FANGIRLS ON ME! I BARELY GOT AWAY LAST TIME!

Mack: *After Alucard* Yeah sure, whatever…

*Mack holds whistle just above May and Jay's heads*

Jay: *trying to grab whistle* Gimme!

May: MINE! *climbing on her sister's shoulders to grab whistle*

Mack: I'll give you both a piece of candy if you forget about the whistle.

Jay: *in seat with blank expression* What whistle? I know no whistle. What is a whistle? Is it a fruit?

May: *hands folded in lap, also in her seat* Look! I'm sitting nicely!

Mack: *facing audience* Take note of this ladies and gents. May and Jay will do _anything_ for candy.

Jay: Gimme the sugar already.

May: I'm a puppy! Arf arf! *begging expression*

*Mack tosses them some candy*

Jay: *sucking on sucker* So…Walter…what happened?

Walter: What happened when?

Jay: You know, then.

Walter: *clueless* Uh…when?

Jay: FOR GOD'S SAKE MAN, **THEN**!

*screen drops down from the ceiling, showing Young Walter and Walter as he currently is*

Jay: *stabs finger at it* WHAT **HAPPENED** TO YOU MAN?!

Walter: *penny drops* Oh…it's called growing old.

May: You should try it some time big sis.

Jay: Never ever in an ever. *raspberry and folds arms*

Mack: Ahem. Candy.

Jay: Oh yeah! And it isn't the whole growing old thing, what happened to your _personality_?! Here, hang on! *grabs remote and clicks it a few times, then blinks and quickly covers May's ears*

Young Walter: "Bloody bunch of pansy _Huns_. You're the leader here fat ass?"

*Walter stiffens and flushes in embarrassment as Mack's jaw drops*

Major: "Correct. And I don't like to be interrupted during meal times."

Young Walter: "I dunno, you're a tub of lard as it is."

*sound cuts off as Jay clicks remote and all turn slowly to Walter*

Jay: And through all that, you were standing on his dining table after having broken through his window, lit cigarette in your mouth. Now listen to this.

*clicks different button on remote*

Walter (old): "My name is Walter Dornez, butler to the Hellsing family, and former master vampire _hunter_."

*Jay fast forwards slightly*

Jan: "Me? I'm just a tourist, I was passing by _totally_ minding my own business and thought I'd have a look. So we cool? _Dude_?"

Walter(old): *stomps on his right hand* "Young man, the left one's next." *calm*

*Jay clicks remote again*

Jay: So someone, _please_ explain to me how Walter-the-young-punk turned into Walter-the-English-butler.

Walter: That is a secret that shall forever remain buried in my ancient past.

May: *puppy eyes of doom* Pwease?

Walter: *instantly broken*Okay, fine!

*May and Jay high five as Mack rolls his eyes*

Walter: *folds arms* Alright, what happened was…was…*grits teeth* There was a jar.

Jay: *panics* THE JAR! ANYTHING BUT THE JAR! NOOOOOOO! *hides under curtains*

May: *freaks out* NO! NOT THE JAR! BAD JAR! IT'S EVIL I TELL YOU! EEEEVIIIILLL! *follows her sister*

Walter: *annoyed* If you already knew about the jar then why did you ask?!

Jay: *pokers her head out from under the curtain* I don't. It just seems like a very scary thing.

May: *trembling lump under curtains* EVIL!

Mack: *smacks forehead* Aw jeez…

Walter: The jar is a completely inanimate object and there's no way it can hurt you.

Jay: *snorts* That's what Mack said about the alarm clocks and we all know how that turned out.

Walter: Actually none of us know how that turned out.

Jay: *sarcastic* Daw, sucks for you. *blows raspberry and hides under curtains again*

*Walter turns to Mack*

Mack: *waves hands in front of him* Don't look at me, I was sworn to secrecy and the alarm clocks might get me too if I tell on their secret plot.

Walter: Does it involve waking everyone in the world up all at once?

DEAD SILENCE

Jay: HE'S ONE OF THEM! FLEE! *scampers up side of the wall and hides in ventilation shafts*

May: THE EVIL! THE EVIL! I DON'T WANNA! I DON'T WANNA! HIDE! *follows her sister*

Mack: CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP CRAP! WE LET IT GET TO CLOSE! MUST FLEE! YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! **OR** AWAKE! *opens a trapdoor in the floor and locks it behind him*

Walter: *dust settling* Uh…I was just kidding. Guessing actually. You can come back you know…guys…hello…guys? *pauses*

*two shoulder angels appear on his chair as he looks from side to side*

Devil Walter: Let them suffer their delusions! They can deal with it on their own! *pounds little trident on stuffing*

Angel Walter: Yeah, get them away from us! They've done enough damage! *stomps foot*

Walter: Hey wait a second…aren't you supposed to tell me to do the right thing?

Angel Walter: Nah, the Shoulder Angel department of Health and Regulations stated last week that when May and Jay are concerned we should go for as much damage as possible.

Walter: I'm almost afraid to ask, but why did they do that?

Angel Walter: Apparently they're both under the delusion that shoulder Angels and Devils are…well, May thinks we're pixies and Jay says we're visible head-voices. May's determined to catch us in jars and keep us against the "coming alarm clock apocalypse" and Jay wants us to go back to "the natural form" which basically means to reduce us to the voice-only stage. She caught the CEO of Shoulder Devils last Tuesday in a pickle jar and last we heard of him he was screaming that she had the Twilight movies and that there was no escape.

Walter: I'm both horrified and impressed at her ruthlessness.

Angel Walter: *rubs back of head* That was kinda our thinking too.

*two pairs of eyes peek out from under stage lights*

Jay: Look! More voice-people! *takes out jelly jar eagerly*

May: *eyes huge* Walter-pixies! I want the one in the dress!

Jay: *shrugs* Cool. I've cracked the code on how to break the red ones anyway. Give 'em about two hours of you-know-what with the vampires and they spontaneously combust.

*May and Jay both jump down from stage lights*

Devil Walter: YOU'LL NEVER TAKE ME ALIVE! RUN BOSS RUN! *shoves Walter's neck*

Walter: I don't think it would do much good. Where were you two when I betrayed Hellsing?! *grumpy*

Angel Walter: *sheepish* I was on coffee break.

Devil Walter: *unrepentant* I was watching Ghost Rider 2.

Walter: Unbelievable… *pinches nose*

Jay: *grabs Devil Walter and stuff him in the jar* WHOOHOO! I got another voice! *gleeful*

May: *snags Angel Walter by the robe/dress and hugs him* OMG! Another fairy in a dress!

Angel Walter: It is not a dress, it's a robe! It was the height of fashion 3,000 years ago I assure you.

Jay: Not cool dude. Not cool.

Mack: Hey boss, can I have a voice?

Jay: Yeah, sure. *hands him jar with grumpy Devil Walter imprisoned inside.*

Mack: *waits until she turns away and unscrews it rapidly* Be free little freak! *motions him urgently away*

Devil Walter: *ecstatic* HASTA LA VESTA SUCKER! *sticks tongue out at Angel Walter and zips off*

*Jay turns to look suspiciously at Mack*

Mack: *innocent expression* It's nice to share the voices with the world.

Jay: *nods* Excellent point.

*Jay spots Walter trying to sneak off*

Jay: Oy! Get back here! *grabs him by the collar and drags him back*

May: So where were you with the "jar"?

Walter: *sighs* Alright, Arthur finally got fed up with me swearing and smoking and all that every day and said for every time that I did those activities I'd have to go on a date with Alucard in girl form.

Jay: I see that it worked.

Walter: *shudders* Are you kidding? There wasn't a single incident after he told me that.

Jay: I'm amused that such an impotent threat is enough to keep you in line.

Walter: Ahem…Alarm clocks.

Jay: CRAP! WHERE!? FLEE! *streaks out the door with May close behind*

Mack: *sighs* I'll go find a GPS tracker…

Walter: Isn't that overkill?

Mack: I accidentally left my phone on alarm and they bolted all the way to Canada.

Walter: Wow.

Mack: Indeed. *looks down at GPS* Huh…they're slacking. So far only a hit in Siberia and Montenegro each.

Walter: O.O

Mack: *walking out the door with nose glued to the GPS* Lock up after will ya?

ALL LIGHTS GO OUT

Walter: Uh…is this a good time to mention that I'm an Achluophobic? Guys?

NO ANSWER…

**_PS: LIKE YA DANG REVEIWERS! SPEAK MORTALS!_**


	8. Enrico Maxwell, the Daffy Bishop

_**Danke for the reviews! And May says thanks too! YOU GUYS ARE THE BEST! HUGGIES!**_

Mack: Greetings, and welcome to the next episode/installment of our psychotic little adventure!

Jay: And we have an announcement for you all, which may rock the very core of the universe.

May: *nods solemnly*

Jay: *deep breath* Ladies and gentlemen, I have a heart-stopping announcement to make. The butler did not do it.

GASP!

*random audience member* SAY IT AIN'T SO! *weeping*

*someone else faints*

Jay: Yes, sad to say, it is so. Also, MEDIC!

*Mack runs into audience with nurse hat and labcoat, carrying First Aid Kit*

May: *clutching Jay's leg* MY LIFE IS A LIE!

Jay: *nonplussed* Well yeah, mine is too. Doesn't bother me none. *shakes her off her leg*

*loud zap from audience*

Jay: Sounds like they're cured. Mack?

*Mack pops out of the crowd, nurse hat in smolders and coat singed*

Mack: *slightly embarrassed* I accidentally overshot on the electric pulse thing so if by cured you mean they aren't worried about their health, then yeah, I'd say they'll pull through. *sheepish smile* Ehehehe.

Jay: *shrugs* Ah, what ya gonna do. Some live some don't, the important thing is to keep track of the candy.

May: *nods sagely* Wise words from the big sis. *mouths lollypop*

Mack: *readjusts headphones around his neck* Anyway, I never caught what the butler didn't do. I was too overcome by the news. *wince*

Jay: You know how we left Walter to lock up in the last episode?

Mack: *cautious* Yeah…

Jay: *puts hands on hips* Well, he didn't.

GASP!

*same audience member from before* SAY IT AIN'T SO! *faints*

*weeping and crying in the audience*

Jay: I know, I know. *hand over her heart with a wince* It gets me too.

May: MY LIFE IS A LIE! EVEN MORE! *shakes Jay's leg as she clings to it*

Mack: *twitching on the floor* Someone…help…_me_…*gags and gets knocked out*

Maxwell: You're insane. All of you.

Jay: AH! WHAT THE CRAP! *jumps into the rafters*

May: YEEEEEEEEE! *scrambles up behind her*

Mack: *sits up* Oh hey bishop. Wazzup?

Maxwell: *raises eyebrow* At the moment? Your bosses.

Audience: BOOO!

Maxwell: Oh c'mon! They've made worse jokes than that!

Jay: *pokes head down* Well, we have winning charisma and both feminine, masculine, and small child-ine charm.

Audience: YAY!

Maxwell: *points to them indignantly* OH COME ON! LISTEN TO THIS!

Jay: Well, they paid to listen to us, so…

May: *whispers* He's not very smart, is he?

Audience: HAHAHAHA!

Maxwell: *whines* Can I go home now?

All three: NO.

Maxwell: *mutters something in Italian*

Jay: What was that?

Maxwell: Nothing. *gulps*

Jay: *grins evilly as she sits in her chair* I thought as much.

May: Muhahahaha! *claps hands and bounces in her replica of the Major's plushy chair*

Mack: *revving up camera* And here we go again… *sighs wearily*

Jay: Enrico Maxwell, former Archbishop and now just Bishop of the Roman Catholic church, do you hereby vow and swear to answer every question, any question, and all questions truthfully and instantly upon being asked, no matter what horribly embarrassing thing it might contain?

Maxwell: Uh…no.

Jay: Too bad, so sad. Now, why do you wear your hair so dang long?

Maxwell: *thinks to himself* _Well, it's not too bad._

May: *whispers to Jay* What's that echoy sound?

Jay: *whispers back* It's the _clong_ his brain makes when a thought tries to get in. He's thinking on something, and he doesn't do that often, so his brain makes a sound to alert the rest of the world.

Maxwell: *thought-cloud poofs inward sharply* Hey!

Mack: *sniggering behind camera* Brain makes a clong…nice one boss.

Maxwell: You know, I don't have to sit here and take this. ANDERS-

*all three pounce on him*

Jay: Oh no ya don't!

May: No more crazy priest! No more crazy priest!

Mack: How are we stopping him from screaming for the guy if none of us are doing anything to his mouth?

*all look down to see that indeed, Maxwell's mouth is uncovered*

Jay: Huh. Wadda ya know. *scratches head*

*all get off of Maxwell and return to their usual spots*

Maxwell: *thinking to himself again* _I better not call for help again…_

May: Dingdong dingdong! *claps in time to echoy sounds coming from Maxwell's head*

Maxwell: MY HEAD DOES NOT MAKE ECHOY SOUNDS!

Jay: So sayeth the fool. *Shakespeare costume*

Mack: Don't start THAT again!

May: Aww… *drops pitchfork and torch*

Jay: Anyway bishop, what's with the hairdo?

Maxwell: *shrug*

Jay: Answer me, or I will use the WHISTLE.

Maxwell: I have no fear of death, for I walk under the protection of god.

*moment of silence*

Jay: *blink blink*

May: -.-

Mack: Well, he asked for it. *blows whistle*

…NOTHING…

Maxwell: *raises eyebrow* And that was a threat how?

Jay: *gets out of chair* It must be broken or something. *grabs and shakes whistle*

May: Or he doesn't have any fangirls.

*pause*

Jay: BWAHAHAHAHA! *collapses with laughter* THAT'S IT! THE DAFFY BISHOP DOESN'T **HAVE** ANY FANGIRLS! AHAHAHAHA!

Maxwell: *indignant* Excuse me! I am very popular with the ladies I'll have you know!

May: But I thought priests weren't supposed to get married? Big sis, you lied. *sniffles and heartbreaking face of epic proportions* Y-you lied to me.

Jay: *cracked and broken down the middle* No no no! I didn't lie! I promise I didn't lie! Give big sissy a hug!

*sister hug*

Audience: Daw… *heartwarming music plays*

Jay: *kills the moment* See, priests can cheat on that rule and get something called a mistress, so therefore-

Maxwell: I WOULD NEVER!

May: What's a mistress?

Mack: It's a grown up word for best friend of the opposite gender.

May: Ohhh…

Maxwell: You are teaching her the wrong take on life.

Jay: Would you rather we teach her the REAL version?

Maxwell: Um…maybe?

Jay: *turns to May* Okay, so May? You know that one time you asked me what the shop full of the nice pink things and sparkly ladies and poles was? It wasn't a fairy shop. It was a stri-

Maxwell: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT I'M SORRY! FORGET I SAID ANYTHING!

Jay: And thus the adults learn that teens know what we're doing.

Mack: It's a nice dream, isn't it?

Jay/May: Yeah… *sigh*

Jay: ANYWAY, what's the deal here? Are you _trying_ to avoid our question? What's there to hide?!

Maxwell: *irritated* Calm down! You're worse than the reporters I got after me after the whole "burn down London" thing.

Jay: Speak insolent fool, before I cut out thy tongue and makest thou eat it like a chocolate bar.

Maxwell: *gulp*

Mack: *yelps hides behind camera*

May: *perks up* Candy?

Jay: *smacks forehead* I suffer among fools.

Mack: And what's with the Old English?

Jay: Priests respond more when you use their native tongue.

Mack: I thought that was Latin?

Jay: I gave up trying to learn Latin after I found out that people other than Romans used it.

Mack: What did you learn?

Jay: *grins, then points to Maxwell* Pedicabo!

Maxwell: *stunned for a split second* HOW DARE YOU! *gets out of chair*

CRASH

BANG

BOINK

BOOM

Maxwell: *strapped down to his chair* I hate you all.

May: He really isn't smart, is he?

Jay: The feeling is mutual, my sociopathic papist friend. Now speak, before I do that whole thing with the tongue and the chocolate and the ripping out.

Maxwell: *sighs* Well, when I was young and foolish-

Jay: *whispering to her sister* And only mildly less sociopathic than he is now.

Maxwell: Ahem. As I was saying, when I was young and foolish and my hair was short, I realized that Anderson's hair was short.

Jay: …So?

Maxwell: *rambling* And Heinkel's hair was short.

Mack: I get the feeling this is going somewhere.

Maxwell: *still blabbering* And while Yumiko's hair was not short, it didn't matter in her style of movement.

May: Why is everyone's hair short in Iscariot?

Maxwell: That's because they're all fighters! *conclusion reached*

Jay: …

May: O.O

Mack: -.-'

Jay: *penny is slowly dropping* So…what you're saying is…you didn't want to be a fighter, so you grew your hair out?

Maxwell: *proud* Yep! The selector instantly picked me for the craven leader candidate!

Jay: *whispering to Mack* Does he know what craven means?

Mack: Let's leave him to find out on his own.

May: *tugging on sister's sleeve* What does craven mean?

Jay: Mack, if you would be so kind?

Mack: Yup. *stuffs two pillows on each of Maxwell's ears*

Jay: *to May, reading from book* _"Craven, noun, archaic: Contemptibly lacking in courage."_ In plain English, a wuss. *closes book* You may remove the pillows now Mack.

Maxwell's makeshift earplugs are removed.

Maxwell: What does it mean?

Jay: My poor heathenistic eyeballs have been burned away by the holy and sacred and macho power of even the printed definition, "craven".

Maxwell: *grins* And serves you right. Anderson still has nightmares about you two.

Mack: I'm sure he does. Has he tried cuddling a teddy bear?

Maxwell: Yeah, he borrows mi-NEVER MIND! WE ARE FAR TOO HOLY AND TOUGH AND MANLY TO HAVE TEDDY BEARS!

Jay: What I wouldn't give for him to have not thought until he finished that sentence.

May: Me too.

Mack: I share your pain, and curiosity.

Jay: So anyway Maxy, have you ever actually shot a gun or anything like that?

Maxwell: Of course not. That silly stuff is for Anderson and Heinkel and my other bodyguards.

Jay: *under her breath* Because of course learning to defend yourself is a very silly thing to do.

Maxwell: Hmm?

Jay: *innocent* Nothing!

Maxwell: Right, right…

May: Popsicle!

Jay: *grin* Pope-sicle?

Mack: *snorts behind camera*

Maxwell: I don't even know what you're talking about anymore.

Jay: Thine most holy boss-man art a frozen confection, thine most Holy Mother art a soccer mom, and thine Holy Father-

Maxwell: DON'T YOU DARE FINISH THAT SENTENCE!

Jay: -art full of holes.

May: Budump tss! *mimes drum and cymbals*

Maxwell: *slaps face* Why…why…God Almighty WHY?

Mack: That was…something else boss. *shakes head sadly*

Jay: *blows raspberry* Go stick your head in a sewer.

Maxwell: Don't mind if I do. *edges out of chair*

Jay: OH NO YA DON'T! GET BACK HERE! *grabs him by his bishop scarf* We ain't done with you yet buster, so get your holy rear in the chair and stay there.

Maxwell: Help…me… *terrified*

Mack: Oh chill already buddy, there's only one left.

May: IT IS MY TIME! I SHALL ASK THE QUESTION!

Jay: *waving pompoms* Go sissy! Go sissy! Victory victory! Victory victory!

May takes deep breath and there is an ominous silence.

May: What's…two plus two?

Moment is killed.

Maxwell: *nonplussed* Uh…_four_.

DEAD SILENCE

Audience member we keep hearing: SAY IT AIN'T SO!

Jay: That's it. That is just IT. You sir, go beyond any and all levels of STUPID that I have ever seen. My duty to the very existence of life demands that I fix your idiocy. *rolls up sleeves*

May: He's even stupider than the Blondie Valentine! *outraged*

Maxwell: TWO PLUS TWO **IS** FOUR YOU NUMSKULLS! ASK ANYONE!

Jay: *turns to Mack* Mack, what's two plus two?

Mack: Fishy.

Jay: *turns to May* May, what's two plus two?

May: Fishy.

Jay: *turns to audience* Random Person That Keeps Saying Say It Isn't So, what's two plus two?

Random Person That Keeps Saying Say It Isn't So: Fish.

Jay: I would've accepted fishy as well, but fish does just fine. Alucard, what is two plus two?

ALL LOOK UP

Alucard: *hanging upside down in the rafters* Fishy. *folds arms*

Jay: *looks down and points to Maxwell* See Maxy, everyone except you KNOWS that two plus two does in fact equal fishy.

Maxwell: But…but…but…*confused and in shock*

May: Well, we all know what this means.

Jay: *medical scrubs* OPERATE! WE'RE GOING TO OPERATE *waves scalpels around*

*Maxwell is hauled away in shame*

Mack: *preparing to leave* Ladies and gentlemen, I advise you to fix the memory of Maxwell the Stupid as he was in your brains. After today, he shall be no more.

CHANGE TO OPERATING ROOM

Jay: Gloves.

May: *hands her gloves*

Jay: Glasses.

May: *hands her glasses*

Jay: Mustache.

May: *hands her a small mustache*

Jay: Handkerchief.

*hands her a handkerchief, which she ties on her head*

Jay: Now that I'm all Gumbied-up, I'M GOING TO OPERATE!

May: *perches on counter* OPERATE! OPERATE! *waves hands around, also in small Gumbie costume*

Maxwell: Uh…do I want to know what you two are raving about? *strapped down to an operating table*

Mack: *adjusts his Gumbie mustache* It's a sketch by Monty Python's Flying Circus. YouTube "Monty Python Brain Surgeon" when you get out if you retain any memory of before they started.

Maxwell: *gulp* That's reassuring.

_Suddenly, without warning-_

*door bursts in*

Maxwell: Anderson! *shocked*

Jay: Priesty! *gleeful*

May: Crazy man with the funny accent! *happy*

Mack: Hi Father Anderson. *totally doesn't care*

Anderson: *grabs Maxwell's trolley* Bye now, ya freaks! *runs out door*

Jay: After that sane guy! *runs out the door*

May: I shall have a priest-skin rug! THE HUNT IS ON! *follows in hot pursuit*

Mack: *muses to himself* How often do ya hear THOSE phrases?

_Mack's Afterword:_

_Hello ladies and gentlemen, I am Mack. And this is my afterword. Now that that's been explained, I am happy to give you a message straight from my crazy bosses mouths. We thank you for reading, please review, and any suggestions are welcome. That includes questions we ask the people. With that said, thank you and continue with whatever you're doing. Next, Heinkel Wolfe!_


End file.
